Those quiet moments

I have a bad habit of not blogging regularly.

Sometimes there are things that I need to say badly, but I never do. I guess this is what my blog is for. When I need to say something that I don't really have anyone to say to I come here and say something.

It actually helps. Writing things down that is. My mum told me to write down those things I don't say out (I just had a chat with her) but it's not feasible because I don't have a pen and paper everytime I'm with people. Yet when I have an internet connection, or pen and paper (provided I also have the time and memory of what happened) at home, I can write. And it works.

But there's one thing that works better than all this. Just standing there in the showers, or somewhere all alone, and pouring my heart to God. Sometimes I can't use words because my vocabulary is not apt enough for something like this. So I'm just silent, my heart's there before Him and I know He's there too. Though there are times I doubt. I wonder if He'd actually want to be there with me. But if I draw near to Him He'd draw near to me. I'd just put my heart there on the altar for Him. And I know He'll come and burn it.

That's the only thing that works always. And there'd be tears in my eyes and my nose turns watery. Sometimes I'd be joyful. Rarely though. Usually there'd be tears. And those tears aren't particularly tears of sadness always. There's also tears of relief. Sometimes there's nothing at all, just a feeling of communion, of relief. Yet it's so good.

I'd always wish I'm more spontaneous. I'd wish I won't think so much, but just do. It's not easy for me, unlike most of the people I know. But there are many others like me in the world too. So there's no need to feel so lonley in my weakness. And I have God. He loves me despite the fact that I'm not as unreserved as others.

I gotta go bathe.

Ed Pousson's message.

I missed this message when I was at the House of Joy. But my church uploaded it on their website, cplink.org.sg .

What I've learned is that I can have both divine favour and human favour. But God always comes first when its either divine favour or human favour. Bringing God with me wherever I go - being the salt and light, being not just a Christian, but a disciple - is the way to go. I don't have to sacrifice my social life just to make God happy, but if investments into my social life runs against God's laws, its best I don't go into it. God always comes first.

Another thing I've learned was that Jesus lived an integrated life. There was no such thing as "Hey, I'm blogging now, God is probably not here." or "Aye, I'm washing the toilet now, God is probably somewhere out there while I'm scrubbing the floor and getting wet and icky." God is everywhere I go. One thing that Ed Pousson said which struck me was this "When you write your paper, write it as if Jesus were going to read it." Wow. Next year when I'm back in school, as I'm writing my essays, I'll write it as if God Himself were going to read it. I don't have to push myself so hard, nor will I be unmotivated thinking that it's just another examiner with whom I have no personal relationship with reading it - God Himself reads it as I think it, even before it reaches the paper. And yeah, as I blog this, God reads it. Wow. That's how much God loves me.

It's so easy, I guess, to forget Him. Even when I'm doing my devotion, and I'm writing stuff down, I forget that He's there reading it. I keep thinking "Hmm, what am I going to write next." "Should I phrase this thing this way?" "I think this word sounds horrible, let's find another. " "Darn I really suck at this." Well. What happens is that God is with me, reading my mind. Does it really matter, thinking so hard about what to write? I think that since He reads my mind, I'm free-er to write what flows through. He sees it either way.

But yeah, granted, the stuff I write during my devotion are also for me, so I've got to write it in a way that I'll understand and appreciate the next time I re-read it.

Time for lunch. Bai.

Friends.

I thank God for Victor. And the times we have spent together. Thick and thin, yes definitely we've gone through that. But now I guess we're both thick, especially me, who have just gained a few kg in 2 months. I think Victor is not that thick; if he continues his running program he'll probably be thin (he never was thick in the first place) and also be able to finish his 2.4 in 10min flat. That's quite a feat but if he works hard it is possible.

Lame jokes aside, I really cherish the time we spent today sitting at one corner of the circular wall at the top floor of VivoCity. Of course if you are in a spot-the-error mode today you would realize that it's impossible to sit at one corner of a circular wall but you get the point. If you don't it's fine.

We talked about serious things, and I like serious things. Jokes are dime a dozen, and they come cheaply, but things that are on our minds - things that last; things that have eternal value- these things I would rather talk about more than the latest episode of Bleach or the new Red Alert 3 game.

Which I do not own.

And we talked about our weaknesses. Then we talked about God. I think we need to talk about God more often, because He can help us deal with our weaknesses. We also talked about our strengths, but not very much, because we broke into fits of laughter halfway. How unfit. Haha. Lame joke.

Speaking of unfitness, I'm going to control my diet. And exercise is going to come in. But one important thing first - sleeping by 11pm. I have to sleep on time or else the rest of the next day will be affected with lethargy and weakness. Then how to exercise?

I have received work from my father - clean the door and gate with a cloth. The construction work caused stray dirt to make a dwelling on the door and gates. That's something to do. That's good. A break from stagnation.

Well. I'm going to sleep in half and hour's time. God bless you all who read this post, and those who didn't too. Peace be with you. Bye.

Compromise.

Will I be the person to say unpopular things - preach the true gospel and teach others about God's love - or will I compromise and be the person who speaks for the sake of garnering popularity votes? I think that's a challenge for me, and I will rise up to it.

For the sake of God's kingdom, I will be bold to lead others to God's love. And I recognize that every successful battle I have emerged from so far (the battle against my timidity and fear of unpopularity) is a testimony of God's working in my life.

Christ is my general and He has already won this war for me (God is not restricted by a time line). I will march on and report the victory to Him at the end of the day (Sunday that is).

I initially wanted to blog about why we should hate atheism but love the atheist. But I suppose that will be for another time. I did some research on the topic of atheism and the apologetic ministry and I realized that it takes a lot of work to produce a writeup on it. And I would also need some time to approach my topic from an angle that will not hurt people and yet does not compromise with the truth of the gospel.

Peace be with you all, and thanks for reading.

Hello. I'm back.

Hey. I'm back from Malaysia, from my abstinence of the computer and internet, as well as my bipolar craziness. I have been in Seremban for 3 months, learning about God at the House of Joy. I would say that my stay there was a turning point in my life.

I am very glad that God brought me there.

And I would like to write a testimony to glorify God, deny the devil, and die to my flesh.

I am still very much imperfect, but I am determined to walk the narrow path. I will not shirk my responsibility - to do what I can to follow Christ - but at the same time I acknowledge that it is God who works in me both to will and to do for His good pleasure.

To all my Christian friends, I thank you for praying for me, loving me, and being by my side. Especially Titus and Victor. You two are my best buds. Without your prayer support I might not have been shielded and protected from even worse things that might have come upon me.

To all my other friends, thanks for caring for me, or even thinking about me. I probably have not thought about you as much. But the fact is I do not have many friends, and I appreciate all your company, no matter how little or insignificant you might have thought it was. I thank God for you all in my life, and I also hope that you all will come to God that I might spend eternity in fellowship with you all.

About my testimony, I might post it on this blog after sometime. Maybe in a few days time. Or a few weeks.

I'm going back to the House of Joy on the 16th of this month (Sunday) to attend a 5 day seminar on inner healing (if I'm not wrong). The challenge is that it is in chinese. I hope to pick up new terms there, and hopefully understand at least 20% of what is being said. Maybe I'll get a mandarin bible and figure out some stuff on my own first so that I won't be so blur there. I'll probably be back on the 22nd.

And lastly I pray that God sustains me. I have hurt and harassed enough people just a few months back, and I don't want to become a social liability and burden again. I hope to actively bless others through the gifts God has given me.

And to those who read this post, may His love be with you always.

Incapable but culpable

There's nothing much to be said.

When the time comes, it will be done.

Hard

I've just reread what I wrote in my other blog, and added in a new word.

I also checked out this girl's blog - she's very much like me just that when it comes to intelligence, deepness, and language abilities, I can hardly hold a candle to her.

For a moment I had to grapple with the not-really-provable-at-the-moment fact that not all man are made equal.

Anyway it's hard, really hard. I know partly why, but not fully. So I can't really say it in its entirety. I feel that it is partly a combination of ... what? I don't really know. But I know it isn't one thing entirely.

There is an element of strife, of struggle. Also an element of constraint, of restraint. And maybe a mask that hides this over while trying not to draw attention to the fact that it is a mask.

Let me try this third person thing.

Reuben is feeling disheveled. He looks like that too. He has sour expressions on his face and when he smiles, sometimes turns his lips downwards instead of upwards, a possible sign of ethical repression due to perceived superiority. Reuben notes that he feels pissed more and more often. He feels that it is not a good sign, although there are times when this feeling of anger, when channeled into growth, usually results in something rewarding. However because of his rather obstinate nature, it is hard for him to change. The problem, he thinks, used to be lack of sleep. Now he knows the real problem. A lack of beneficial long-term motivation. Should there be a powerhouse that provides real motivation on a long-term basis, there is hope for Reuben. But since such technology has yet to be invented, he falters along on his way to certain implosion. He enjoys being seen as someone popular and funny, but also wants to be seen as a deep and mature person. He prefers the latter, though he often struggles with the former since the world is often spinning with external events. An option has suddenly popped up to him. He will care about how he views himself, and think not about possible thoughts that people have of him, all of which probably self constructed and not true. He will live in his own world, and extend that to his immediate surroundings should that be of benefit to others and himself. He will then, after deeply questioning the reasons for pain and sorrows that still overtake his inner life, carefully but orderly introduce God into his life. After this invitation, there shall be no more qualms about salvation other than its further working out. Reuben feels that this is the first step to improvement, provided that he carefully follows the plan in which he begins by ordering his private life while evaluating himself.

It's hard, but goodnight.

Everything is a gift from Him who truly loves you.

[On a random side note, for those who find this dark, nostalgic, emotional atmosphere too stifling, you may wish to siphon yourself over to the livejournal one. colourofthesky. It's purely for entertainment's sake so please find the humour in it and try try try not to get offended especially if you are a teacher who hasn't been favourably mentioned in that blog.]

So far I haven't yet started to even try out with the scribed action plan that I lay out for myself. It was all theoretical, yeah, but won't it be a good idea to actually do it? It's an action plan after all.

I know though, that I can't do it. I cannot. I never can.

New Age bull will say, dude, just believe in yourself man, your inner god, oh wait, you are god, go and create your world!

Bull. If I were a god and so were you I'll have a world in which only I can fly. But since you are a god too you'll suddenly start flying and my godliness will be disproved and I will vanish in smoke.

So anyway, that plan which I conceived for me to theoretically act upon, it can't be done by me. I can't do it. It's impossible for me. And I never will ever accomplish that.

It's a given fact. I need God.

Then therefore there must be a collaboration with Him. He owns this vessel which I am. So I must work with Him.

Even though I cannot do much, I can do one thing though, to set my eyes on the hills where my help comes from. Yet even the desire to do that does not come from me.

This is almost a paradox I have yet to unravel. The part about free will. But, as I have recalled from a sermon at a previous church camp, submitting this free will to His will is definitely the best investment of this gift. I rarely use the word definitely for the record.

As Titus and Victor said, set your eyes on things in heaven.

But what is in there?

Eternity. Love. Joy. Peace. God.

Quite easy to say but not easy in practice.

Perhaps I'll start with Titus's suggestion about rejoicing and giving thanks. It's a really good way to have perspective in this world. Because truly, everything is a gift from He who truly loves you.

Screwed up

I was talking to Titus two days ago. It was a good talk I feel. But when he mentioned God, well there's this familiar anger in my heart. It's hard to describe, but it's there whenever I'm not high and I'm thinking about God. It's painful, and I knew I was screwed up. Like somehow He's not there. Not that He chose to not be there, but like I told Him with my actions and my intentions not to be there. Like I told Him that this heart wasn't a welcome place to stay. Like yeah sure I want my heaven and my salvation but I also want my lusts and power in this world.

Yeah and I bet Vic is seriously pissed at my behaviour. Right then I was pissed at him back (as usual). He's right as usual. To be pissed at me. I saw him rolling his eyes at me a couple of times which means he really can't stand it. Really really really can't stand it. And my immediate reaction in my mind was like "yea holy man you sure can't stand a lot of things eh". Yeah. Look at me. I'm just like those people who hate Christians, and I still go to church. So yea, I'm not quite as pissed at him anymore, but I thing I shouldn't hang around him too much unless he invites me to, because I guess I may just screw him up, or cause him to get angry, or stuff. Of course there's only one route ahead and that's to be closer to God and stop pushing Him away or else I'll also lose all my good friends one by one, and nada, I'm left with people and things that will further reinforce my possible life of rebellion, hatred, and failure. Sad to say the latter path seems easier to me now.

I think the first thing that God will put me through once I've decided to follow Him is to ask me to give up all my desires. Every single one of them. A few moments ago that's like insane. It was like some kind of unspoke life purpose, to be popular, powerful, present. Those are good things aren't they? Unfortunately in the hands of currently screwed up people like me they are no good. They will be abused, crushed, and used to reap an evil harvest. The moment I've decided to follow Him, maybe He'll ask me to be a loner, to be hated, to be weak, to be incapable, to be scattered, to fail in everything but my relationship in Him. And not only that, I must try with my hardest ability to succeed, but in the end I will fail. I must use all my strengths, and each one will be turned to weakness and waste. I will fight with my all, against all wishes to just cut slack and do nothing, but never succeed. And then only then, will I be convinced that I have truly decided to follow Jesus. On top of that I must submit to authority and not go my own way, which is hardly possible for me. But then if I follow God, I must do just that. Give up my freedom. What I value the most I have no more.

I seriously don't know where I'm going to find any energy to do that. All the above trials are translated into this: Exercise and be on a strict diet, study everyday and finish homework well and on time, not hang out with people who will lead you astray, not find other ways to attain power and success apart from it being a side effect of following God, not waste time in unproductive activities, not participating in unwholesome talk, use time extremely effectively, plan the day (URGH), engage in wholesome activities, pray to God sincerely continuously (that's quite insane but the bible asks us to do it), do daily devotion, devote entire life to God, do everything for God, enjoy everything that I do (it must be wholesome, holy, and godly) because it is for God, and continue despite failure, weakness, and impotence.

You know if I did just that, I'll not be screwed up. Seriously. But I think it will be a really rewarding life. I will be filled with purpose, wholeness, and most importantly God. If I want power, popularity, and presence, why seek other ways? Why not seek God? Especially since I still believe in Him. And since I secretly know that only His way works. It's gonna be pain and it's gonna hurt but this time it's not gonna be dry. Because I know that I'm doing this for God, not because I want to be hot to attract girls, or to be successful to attract girls, or to be sexy to attract girls (yes dammit my whole life is like to attract girls, one reason why I'm screwed up), but now I do this because God is good for my life, and I know it sounds freakin' selfish, but this goodness for me, I'll return by doing for Him. It now seems so 'make sense' now. I used to be all hung up about this "why people want to believe in God if it's not good for them, and if it's good for them isn't it selfish if it's the only reason (and it probably is) why people believe in God". Yes at the start it may seem selfish, but in the end, it is selfless; it is selfless serving of God with His own strength. It is being energized by Him only to return this energy back to Him in our own unique forms of service and devotion. And by serving Him we serve others, because Jesus said that for everything you do to those people, you do to me. True happiness is in doing this, and even though we all seek true happiness and doing this for the sake of happiness seems selfish, but in fact it is selfless for in being happy one must hurt for the sake of others, and ultimately, for God.

My whole body rebels against living for God. It is vile, filled with corruption and hatred for the Lord who gave His life for me, in exchange for mine, so that I may live and be saved and be joyful. My whole body hates Him, my mind riles against thoughts of Him. What could I do?

I is back.

Yeah I know it's been a long time. No one has been tagging. Maybe only one person has visited this blog over the last month. Maybe a random blog hopper who got disappointed. But anyway, I'm blogging again.

I think I've gotten better over the last two months. My drumming has improved tremendously as compared to a few months back. I am able to think clearly, though I suspect that I have sub par intelligence for my age as I scored a mediocre 1850 or less for my SATs. Not that I took in seriously. I am able to socialize to quite a degree, an acceptable degree I guess, not overstepping my boundary nor withdrawing too far into myself. Though I am guilty of over introspection at times. I am basically back to normal. Sometimes I experience moments of ecstasy and euphoria, perhaps euphoria, I'm not sure what that term really means, but definitely moments of great joy. Apparently it's either God-given or self-induced I would like to think that it was God-given and that he still has a part in my life, but I believe it's basically self-induced. My life goes back to normal half an hour after that experience. So I guess euphoria doesn't really change lives.

Anyway, I have been rather lonely until I found a couple of people to talk to. And then when they aren't talking to me I feel lonely again. Somehow I have the need to be involved in activities that involve positive communication with people. Without socializing with the people I like, I would wither of boredom. The source of frustration now, I realized, usually stems from not having people to talk to. But I suspect it's something deeper, like not finding worth in myself and thus needing to talk to people to feel validated. Which kinda sucks I guess. And I still indulge in sadness every now and then but not too often. Which I suppose is a kind of improvement.

Anyway, about socionics, I've finally found my type. Which probably means I would be less susceptible to going crazy while using it to analyze people, myself, and their relationship to me and each other, because I have a dependable base to analyze on. I'm not that obsessed about it as last year, I guess that's because I know most of what there is to now about socionics, the important parts, not the dichotomies at least, so I can safely apply it without thinking about it day and night. My type is INFp. I have yet to decide if I'm Ni subtype or Fe subtype, though I suspect I'm the latter, I would prefer the former. I'm looking for ESTp's to make friends with. If you're ESTp please talk to me. Well of course if you are one you're likely to not know it since most people don't know about socionics. And most people who stumble onto this blog aren't ESTp, I suppose, not that they would know it. So what a call.

About God. Sigh. What about God. I am like so far from Him I am almost to the point of rejecting my previous desire to want to know Him. That's quite messed up I know. But I'm still hanging on a bit, not out of my own effort, but perhaps out of residual desire, or the fact that He still wants me to be His child. Which I sincerely hope so. I think I will talk to someone about this soon.

I have minor crushes now and then on people, but they aren't severe and threatening, and I would still prefer to be friends with them first, at least. So I guess that isn't particularly bad.

What I fear is that things are going so smoothly now, there's bound to be something big and bad coming on the way. I need God. But it's not easy to just have Him back at my whim and fancy. I believe it doesn't work that way. Sigh.

Now I feel internally messed up. Someone come save me. Please.