Those quiet moments

I have a bad habit of not blogging regularly.

Sometimes there are things that I need to say badly, but I never do. I guess this is what my blog is for. When I need to say something that I don't really have anyone to say to I come here and say something.

It actually helps. Writing things down that is. My mum told me to write down those things I don't say out (I just had a chat with her) but it's not feasible because I don't have a pen and paper everytime I'm with people. Yet when I have an internet connection, or pen and paper (provided I also have the time and memory of what happened) at home, I can write. And it works.

But there's one thing that works better than all this. Just standing there in the showers, or somewhere all alone, and pouring my heart to God. Sometimes I can't use words because my vocabulary is not apt enough for something like this. So I'm just silent, my heart's there before Him and I know He's there too. Though there are times I doubt. I wonder if He'd actually want to be there with me. But if I draw near to Him He'd draw near to me. I'd just put my heart there on the altar for Him. And I know He'll come and burn it.

That's the only thing that works always. And there'd be tears in my eyes and my nose turns watery. Sometimes I'd be joyful. Rarely though. Usually there'd be tears. And those tears aren't particularly tears of sadness always. There's also tears of relief. Sometimes there's nothing at all, just a feeling of communion, of relief. Yet it's so good.

I'd always wish I'm more spontaneous. I'd wish I won't think so much, but just do. It's not easy for me, unlike most of the people I know. But there are many others like me in the world too. So there's no need to feel so lonley in my weakness. And I have God. He loves me despite the fact that I'm not as unreserved as others.

I gotta go bathe.