Incapable but culpable

There's nothing much to be said.

When the time comes, it will be done.

Hard

I've just reread what I wrote in my other blog, and added in a new word.

I also checked out this girl's blog - she's very much like me just that when it comes to intelligence, deepness, and language abilities, I can hardly hold a candle to her.

For a moment I had to grapple with the not-really-provable-at-the-moment fact that not all man are made equal.

Anyway it's hard, really hard. I know partly why, but not fully. So I can't really say it in its entirety. I feel that it is partly a combination of ... what? I don't really know. But I know it isn't one thing entirely.

There is an element of strife, of struggle. Also an element of constraint, of restraint. And maybe a mask that hides this over while trying not to draw attention to the fact that it is a mask.

Let me try this third person thing.

Reuben is feeling disheveled. He looks like that too. He has sour expressions on his face and when he smiles, sometimes turns his lips downwards instead of upwards, a possible sign of ethical repression due to perceived superiority. Reuben notes that he feels pissed more and more often. He feels that it is not a good sign, although there are times when this feeling of anger, when channeled into growth, usually results in something rewarding. However because of his rather obstinate nature, it is hard for him to change. The problem, he thinks, used to be lack of sleep. Now he knows the real problem. A lack of beneficial long-term motivation. Should there be a powerhouse that provides real motivation on a long-term basis, there is hope for Reuben. But since such technology has yet to be invented, he falters along on his way to certain implosion. He enjoys being seen as someone popular and funny, but also wants to be seen as a deep and mature person. He prefers the latter, though he often struggles with the former since the world is often spinning with external events. An option has suddenly popped up to him. He will care about how he views himself, and think not about possible thoughts that people have of him, all of which probably self constructed and not true. He will live in his own world, and extend that to his immediate surroundings should that be of benefit to others and himself. He will then, after deeply questioning the reasons for pain and sorrows that still overtake his inner life, carefully but orderly introduce God into his life. After this invitation, there shall be no more qualms about salvation other than its further working out. Reuben feels that this is the first step to improvement, provided that he carefully follows the plan in which he begins by ordering his private life while evaluating himself.

It's hard, but goodnight.

Everything is a gift from Him who truly loves you.

[On a random side note, for those who find this dark, nostalgic, emotional atmosphere too stifling, you may wish to siphon yourself over to the livejournal one. colourofthesky. It's purely for entertainment's sake so please find the humour in it and try try try not to get offended especially if you are a teacher who hasn't been favourably mentioned in that blog.]

So far I haven't yet started to even try out with the scribed action plan that I lay out for myself. It was all theoretical, yeah, but won't it be a good idea to actually do it? It's an action plan after all.

I know though, that I can't do it. I cannot. I never can.

New Age bull will say, dude, just believe in yourself man, your inner god, oh wait, you are god, go and create your world!

Bull. If I were a god and so were you I'll have a world in which only I can fly. But since you are a god too you'll suddenly start flying and my godliness will be disproved and I will vanish in smoke.

So anyway, that plan which I conceived for me to theoretically act upon, it can't be done by me. I can't do it. It's impossible for me. And I never will ever accomplish that.

It's a given fact. I need God.

Then therefore there must be a collaboration with Him. He owns this vessel which I am. So I must work with Him.

Even though I cannot do much, I can do one thing though, to set my eyes on the hills where my help comes from. Yet even the desire to do that does not come from me.

This is almost a paradox I have yet to unravel. The part about free will. But, as I have recalled from a sermon at a previous church camp, submitting this free will to His will is definitely the best investment of this gift. I rarely use the word definitely for the record.

As Titus and Victor said, set your eyes on things in heaven.

But what is in there?

Eternity. Love. Joy. Peace. God.

Quite easy to say but not easy in practice.

Perhaps I'll start with Titus's suggestion about rejoicing and giving thanks. It's a really good way to have perspective in this world. Because truly, everything is a gift from He who truly loves you.