My Bro

My bro has gone to the army.

It's like a part of me disappears. The crazy me, the me who talks, the me who cracks jokes, the me who bullies you (a little) for no reason at all, is gone. With my bro gone, this part of me will also disappear for the time being.

Because there's no one else who I dare to reveal my true self to. I'm not the kind who's very open, and I'm probably the forgettable kid, the whats-his-name boy, the person that people just kinda ignore and let slide by.

This holiday was a waste of time. Gone down the drain. It came, I played, it's gone. Like a snap. Then school starts. I'm not really looking forward to school. I'm freaked by school. For the past four years my mind went tipsy because of my inability to handle school well. The crux of it I guess, is because I fell in love with someone. Every year I fall in love with someone, puppy love, start obsessing, losing out on life. I hated softball, I hated schoolwork, I couldn't function. Well it wasn't just my crushes that cause all that I guess. Partly it's my laziness, and also my fear of people. My quietness. I couldn't stand softball because it was too strenuous. I liked it when I was good at it, but when I wasn't, well, I was too lazy to enjoy the training. And then there were people whom you would have to interact with. Dammit I suck at people. Well I used to think I was good at socializing the start of this year, but it all turned out that I was just quite insane, unstable, high, and therefore I talked more then I usually would. In a weird way.

Next year, there will be girls. Next year, I'll try to not crush on someone. I don't know if I will or not, because I told myself today NO LUNCH! but I went to long john silver's after my gym session. And pigged out. Next year I don't know how it will turn out. At least I'm not into reading esotoric websites or pick up guides or bullshit like that. Had 2 good girlfriends and lost them both because of them. Actually I got them because of them. But. I guess I regretted the whole of this year. And I've also quit socionics. Still sometimes am tempted to think that I'm ISFj though. But screw socionics. Humans are more plastic than that.

And my bro is gone. No one to guide me at all. Though we never really do talk about serious stuff. Ever. I don't know why. I guess he doesn't talk much, and I guess I don't really dare to share much with him. So I actually don't know much of what's going on in his life. Which kinda sucks.

And then there's this thing about God that haunts me. I'm just not close to Him. Though I say I believe Him, but I suspect I'm not even born again. Though I'm baptized, I don't dare say I would be going to heaven. I fear I would be one of those who will say to Him, "Lord Lord", and I fear He would reply "get away from me, I do not know you". And then. Well. You know the rest. My person is not in a very good shape, so I can't say I'll give everything to know the Lord. But I do want to. I want to be happy, to be healthy, to know the Lord. I want to be alive.

I look at Titus, and I look at Victor, and how I wish I would enjoy the Lord as they do. But well, I don't. I know I'm doing a lot of things wrong now, and I guess I have to change these things if things are going to be better. I don't know. I will change these things about myself.

Well I have to.