Screwed up

I was talking to Titus two days ago. It was a good talk I feel. But when he mentioned God, well there's this familiar anger in my heart. It's hard to describe, but it's there whenever I'm not high and I'm thinking about God. It's painful, and I knew I was screwed up. Like somehow He's not there. Not that He chose to not be there, but like I told Him with my actions and my intentions not to be there. Like I told Him that this heart wasn't a welcome place to stay. Like yeah sure I want my heaven and my salvation but I also want my lusts and power in this world.

Yeah and I bet Vic is seriously pissed at my behaviour. Right then I was pissed at him back (as usual). He's right as usual. To be pissed at me. I saw him rolling his eyes at me a couple of times which means he really can't stand it. Really really really can't stand it. And my immediate reaction in my mind was like "yea holy man you sure can't stand a lot of things eh". Yeah. Look at me. I'm just like those people who hate Christians, and I still go to church. So yea, I'm not quite as pissed at him anymore, but I thing I shouldn't hang around him too much unless he invites me to, because I guess I may just screw him up, or cause him to get angry, or stuff. Of course there's only one route ahead and that's to be closer to God and stop pushing Him away or else I'll also lose all my good friends one by one, and nada, I'm left with people and things that will further reinforce my possible life of rebellion, hatred, and failure. Sad to say the latter path seems easier to me now.

I think the first thing that God will put me through once I've decided to follow Him is to ask me to give up all my desires. Every single one of them. A few moments ago that's like insane. It was like some kind of unspoke life purpose, to be popular, powerful, present. Those are good things aren't they? Unfortunately in the hands of currently screwed up people like me they are no good. They will be abused, crushed, and used to reap an evil harvest. The moment I've decided to follow Him, maybe He'll ask me to be a loner, to be hated, to be weak, to be incapable, to be scattered, to fail in everything but my relationship in Him. And not only that, I must try with my hardest ability to succeed, but in the end I will fail. I must use all my strengths, and each one will be turned to weakness and waste. I will fight with my all, against all wishes to just cut slack and do nothing, but never succeed. And then only then, will I be convinced that I have truly decided to follow Jesus. On top of that I must submit to authority and not go my own way, which is hardly possible for me. But then if I follow God, I must do just that. Give up my freedom. What I value the most I have no more.

I seriously don't know where I'm going to find any energy to do that. All the above trials are translated into this: Exercise and be on a strict diet, study everyday and finish homework well and on time, not hang out with people who will lead you astray, not find other ways to attain power and success apart from it being a side effect of following God, not waste time in unproductive activities, not participating in unwholesome talk, use time extremely effectively, plan the day (URGH), engage in wholesome activities, pray to God sincerely continuously (that's quite insane but the bible asks us to do it), do daily devotion, devote entire life to God, do everything for God, enjoy everything that I do (it must be wholesome, holy, and godly) because it is for God, and continue despite failure, weakness, and impotence.

You know if I did just that, I'll not be screwed up. Seriously. But I think it will be a really rewarding life. I will be filled with purpose, wholeness, and most importantly God. If I want power, popularity, and presence, why seek other ways? Why not seek God? Especially since I still believe in Him. And since I secretly know that only His way works. It's gonna be pain and it's gonna hurt but this time it's not gonna be dry. Because I know that I'm doing this for God, not because I want to be hot to attract girls, or to be successful to attract girls, or to be sexy to attract girls (yes dammit my whole life is like to attract girls, one reason why I'm screwed up), but now I do this because God is good for my life, and I know it sounds freakin' selfish, but this goodness for me, I'll return by doing for Him. It now seems so 'make sense' now. I used to be all hung up about this "why people want to believe in God if it's not good for them, and if it's good for them isn't it selfish if it's the only reason (and it probably is) why people believe in God". Yes at the start it may seem selfish, but in the end, it is selfless; it is selfless serving of God with His own strength. It is being energized by Him only to return this energy back to Him in our own unique forms of service and devotion. And by serving Him we serve others, because Jesus said that for everything you do to those people, you do to me. True happiness is in doing this, and even though we all seek true happiness and doing this for the sake of happiness seems selfish, but in fact it is selfless for in being happy one must hurt for the sake of others, and ultimately, for God.

My whole body rebels against living for God. It is vile, filled with corruption and hatred for the Lord who gave His life for me, in exchange for mine, so that I may live and be saved and be joyful. My whole body hates Him, my mind riles against thoughts of Him. What could I do?