Peace

I felt a touch of peace today. When you commit everything to the Lord, and you realize that whichever way things turn out, whether good, bad, or ugly, it can only be for the best in the end, then there will be a kind of incomprehensible peace in your soul. When you realize that everyday God will provide for your needs, whether it is food on the table, clothes on your body, or love from your family and friends, then there will be a great extraction in your soul: your worries begin to separate from your thoughts and emotions, and suddenly there's a freedom that you used to have when you were a very young child, before you learned to be anxious. When it dawns on you that if everything suddenly turns for the worst, and even your basic needs don't go satisfied, but you still will have great joy because there's treasure piling up in heaven for each moment of suffering you go through, then you know that the smile on your face is there because you've found God's peace.

I felt that peace today. It wasn't as deep as it should be, nor as lasting, but it's a taste of something that is to come. Like a vision to work towards, that peace invites me to draw nearer to God. There's more where that came from.

I have realized that when you set your mind on God, when you meditate on His goodness and His mercies, your fears kind of fade away like how shadows disappear in the presence of perfect light. Isaiah 26:3 "You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You." That is the reason why you will feel peaceful when you focus on God.

I've also realized that computer games and television really sets a distance between you and God. The moment I turned on the tv, I felt a distinct disturbance in my soul. It is faint, but it preludes a sense of spiritual dryness and irritation that I used to dwell in. When I turned it off, I could meditate on God, and 'stay' my mind on Him. That slight irritation disappears. Then I turned on the computer and went to search for mmorpg's to play. Fancy how foolish I really am! Is there anything good I can glean from there? While searching, the familiar ache at the base of my head snuck up on me. My chest began to tighten, and my countenance fell. Somehow, computer games don't edify. They can choke the word and dull your sword, but they don't edify. Yet this is the irony of it all. I'm still downloading one now. And it's one of those fantasy mmorpg's where you run around grinding mobs and doing quests and trying to get better armour and weapons. It's not good. Am I like a dog that goes back to its vommit?

Ok I just stopped the downloading. There must come a point in time where I decide, "Ok this is it. No more computer games. I'm serious with God, and this is deadweight. I'm here to run the race and this doesn't help. I'm throwing it behind me." And then I must really do it. I have made this decision before, about three times in fact, but failing each time. And after I cleared my harddisk of games, I go on the net to download new ones. It's fine if I actually enjoy them and they don't hurt me. But they do. I get addicted easily, I lose interest in God, and I suffer aches and pains in my body. Surely there are enough cons to point me towards the direction of giving up my gaming habit!

But the more excellent way, I suppose, is when I give them up in love. When His love convicts me enough to stop hurting myself with foolish decisions. When my mind is stayed on Him to the point that it doesn't want to leave. Then this habit of mine will go away. Somehow I have the feeling that it is happening already, and that when it goes, it'll go for good. And then there will be real peace.

Construction in progress - sorry for the inconvenience caused

One day as I was about the take the elevator up to the 6th story, I noticed the familiar construction sign posted on the fence: "(Insert title of this blog post)" And for some reason or another it spoke to me about my own life. There's a lot of construction going on, especially after all the pulling down that happened about 3 months ago. No wonder I'm not the best that I could be. There are many days when I just get too overwhelmed by my weaknesses, and motivation just gets sapped out of me. I don't achieve much on these days, but I do spend time talking to my dad who counsels me out of it. Sometimes I just have to remember that construction is a process. It takes time for a pile of raw material to become an edifice, and if you would like to build a big and important one, it may take lots of time. In my life, there are many things that I'm working on, and I progress very slowly. Some of the things that I've started have deflated halfway, and I'm not proud of that. But there are other things that are slowly building up, filling up the horizon with something to look at, though they aren't complete nor will they be complete in the new future. It's easy for me to look at others around me and get very discouraged - after all they are so far ahead with their lives, and I'm trailing far behind. But this race that I'm running is not against the people around me. I'm just running this race against myself - God did not ask me to compete with other saints. But he did say that if I complete it he'll give me a crown, and I'm up for it.

Those quiet moments

I have a bad habit of not blogging regularly.

Sometimes there are things that I need to say badly, but I never do. I guess this is what my blog is for. When I need to say something that I don't really have anyone to say to I come here and say something.

It actually helps. Writing things down that is. My mum told me to write down those things I don't say out (I just had a chat with her) but it's not feasible because I don't have a pen and paper everytime I'm with people. Yet when I have an internet connection, or pen and paper (provided I also have the time and memory of what happened) at home, I can write. And it works.

But there's one thing that works better than all this. Just standing there in the showers, or somewhere all alone, and pouring my heart to God. Sometimes I can't use words because my vocabulary is not apt enough for something like this. So I'm just silent, my heart's there before Him and I know He's there too. Though there are times I doubt. I wonder if He'd actually want to be there with me. But if I draw near to Him He'd draw near to me. I'd just put my heart there on the altar for Him. And I know He'll come and burn it.

That's the only thing that works always. And there'd be tears in my eyes and my nose turns watery. Sometimes I'd be joyful. Rarely though. Usually there'd be tears. And those tears aren't particularly tears of sadness always. There's also tears of relief. Sometimes there's nothing at all, just a feeling of communion, of relief. Yet it's so good.

I'd always wish I'm more spontaneous. I'd wish I won't think so much, but just do. It's not easy for me, unlike most of the people I know. But there are many others like me in the world too. So there's no need to feel so lonley in my weakness. And I have God. He loves me despite the fact that I'm not as unreserved as others.

I gotta go bathe.

Ed Pousson's message.

I missed this message when I was at the House of Joy. But my church uploaded it on their website, cplink.org.sg .

What I've learned is that I can have both divine favour and human favour. But God always comes first when its either divine favour or human favour. Bringing God with me wherever I go - being the salt and light, being not just a Christian, but a disciple - is the way to go. I don't have to sacrifice my social life just to make God happy, but if investments into my social life runs against God's laws, its best I don't go into it. God always comes first.

Another thing I've learned was that Jesus lived an integrated life. There was no such thing as "Hey, I'm blogging now, God is probably not here." or "Aye, I'm washing the toilet now, God is probably somewhere out there while I'm scrubbing the floor and getting wet and icky." God is everywhere I go. One thing that Ed Pousson said which struck me was this "When you write your paper, write it as if Jesus were going to read it." Wow. Next year when I'm back in school, as I'm writing my essays, I'll write it as if God Himself were going to read it. I don't have to push myself so hard, nor will I be unmotivated thinking that it's just another examiner with whom I have no personal relationship with reading it - God Himself reads it as I think it, even before it reaches the paper. And yeah, as I blog this, God reads it. Wow. That's how much God loves me.

It's so easy, I guess, to forget Him. Even when I'm doing my devotion, and I'm writing stuff down, I forget that He's there reading it. I keep thinking "Hmm, what am I going to write next." "Should I phrase this thing this way?" "I think this word sounds horrible, let's find another. " "Darn I really suck at this." Well. What happens is that God is with me, reading my mind. Does it really matter, thinking so hard about what to write? I think that since He reads my mind, I'm free-er to write what flows through. He sees it either way.

But yeah, granted, the stuff I write during my devotion are also for me, so I've got to write it in a way that I'll understand and appreciate the next time I re-read it.

Time for lunch. Bai.

Friends.

I thank God for Victor. And the times we have spent together. Thick and thin, yes definitely we've gone through that. But now I guess we're both thick, especially me, who have just gained a few kg in 2 months. I think Victor is not that thick; if he continues his running program he'll probably be thin (he never was thick in the first place) and also be able to finish his 2.4 in 10min flat. That's quite a feat but if he works hard it is possible.

Lame jokes aside, I really cherish the time we spent today sitting at one corner of the circular wall at the top floor of VivoCity. Of course if you are in a spot-the-error mode today you would realize that it's impossible to sit at one corner of a circular wall but you get the point. If you don't it's fine.

We talked about serious things, and I like serious things. Jokes are dime a dozen, and they come cheaply, but things that are on our minds - things that last; things that have eternal value- these things I would rather talk about more than the latest episode of Bleach or the new Red Alert 3 game.

Which I do not own.

And we talked about our weaknesses. Then we talked about God. I think we need to talk about God more often, because He can help us deal with our weaknesses. We also talked about our strengths, but not very much, because we broke into fits of laughter halfway. How unfit. Haha. Lame joke.

Speaking of unfitness, I'm going to control my diet. And exercise is going to come in. But one important thing first - sleeping by 11pm. I have to sleep on time or else the rest of the next day will be affected with lethargy and weakness. Then how to exercise?

I have received work from my father - clean the door and gate with a cloth. The construction work caused stray dirt to make a dwelling on the door and gates. That's something to do. That's good. A break from stagnation.

Well. I'm going to sleep in half and hour's time. God bless you all who read this post, and those who didn't too. Peace be with you. Bye.

Compromise.

Will I be the person to say unpopular things - preach the true gospel and teach others about God's love - or will I compromise and be the person who speaks for the sake of garnering popularity votes? I think that's a challenge for me, and I will rise up to it.

For the sake of God's kingdom, I will be bold to lead others to God's love. And I recognize that every successful battle I have emerged from so far (the battle against my timidity and fear of unpopularity) is a testimony of God's working in my life.

Christ is my general and He has already won this war for me (God is not restricted by a time line). I will march on and report the victory to Him at the end of the day (Sunday that is).

I initially wanted to blog about why we should hate atheism but love the atheist. But I suppose that will be for another time. I did some research on the topic of atheism and the apologetic ministry and I realized that it takes a lot of work to produce a writeup on it. And I would also need some time to approach my topic from an angle that will not hurt people and yet does not compromise with the truth of the gospel.

Peace be with you all, and thanks for reading.

Hello. I'm back.

Hey. I'm back from Malaysia, from my abstinence of the computer and internet, as well as my bipolar craziness. I have been in Seremban for 3 months, learning about God at the House of Joy. I would say that my stay there was a turning point in my life.

I am very glad that God brought me there.

And I would like to write a testimony to glorify God, deny the devil, and die to my flesh.

I am still very much imperfect, but I am determined to walk the narrow path. I will not shirk my responsibility - to do what I can to follow Christ - but at the same time I acknowledge that it is God who works in me both to will and to do for His good pleasure.

To all my Christian friends, I thank you for praying for me, loving me, and being by my side. Especially Titus and Victor. You two are my best buds. Without your prayer support I might not have been shielded and protected from even worse things that might have come upon me.

To all my other friends, thanks for caring for me, or even thinking about me. I probably have not thought about you as much. But the fact is I do not have many friends, and I appreciate all your company, no matter how little or insignificant you might have thought it was. I thank God for you all in my life, and I also hope that you all will come to God that I might spend eternity in fellowship with you all.

About my testimony, I might post it on this blog after sometime. Maybe in a few days time. Or a few weeks.

I'm going back to the House of Joy on the 16th of this month (Sunday) to attend a 5 day seminar on inner healing (if I'm not wrong). The challenge is that it is in chinese. I hope to pick up new terms there, and hopefully understand at least 20% of what is being said. Maybe I'll get a mandarin bible and figure out some stuff on my own first so that I won't be so blur there. I'll probably be back on the 22nd.

And lastly I pray that God sustains me. I have hurt and harassed enough people just a few months back, and I don't want to become a social liability and burden again. I hope to actively bless others through the gifts God has given me.

And to those who read this post, may His love be with you always.