I is back.

Yeah I know it's been a long time. No one has been tagging. Maybe only one person has visited this blog over the last month. Maybe a random blog hopper who got disappointed. But anyway, I'm blogging again.

I think I've gotten better over the last two months. My drumming has improved tremendously as compared to a few months back. I am able to think clearly, though I suspect that I have sub par intelligence for my age as I scored a mediocre 1850 or less for my SATs. Not that I took in seriously. I am able to socialize to quite a degree, an acceptable degree I guess, not overstepping my boundary nor withdrawing too far into myself. Though I am guilty of over introspection at times. I am basically back to normal. Sometimes I experience moments of ecstasy and euphoria, perhaps euphoria, I'm not sure what that term really means, but definitely moments of great joy. Apparently it's either God-given or self-induced I would like to think that it was God-given and that he still has a part in my life, but I believe it's basically self-induced. My life goes back to normal half an hour after that experience. So I guess euphoria doesn't really change lives.

Anyway, I have been rather lonely until I found a couple of people to talk to. And then when they aren't talking to me I feel lonely again. Somehow I have the need to be involved in activities that involve positive communication with people. Without socializing with the people I like, I would wither of boredom. The source of frustration now, I realized, usually stems from not having people to talk to. But I suspect it's something deeper, like not finding worth in myself and thus needing to talk to people to feel validated. Which kinda sucks I guess. And I still indulge in sadness every now and then but not too often. Which I suppose is a kind of improvement.

Anyway, about socionics, I've finally found my type. Which probably means I would be less susceptible to going crazy while using it to analyze people, myself, and their relationship to me and each other, because I have a dependable base to analyze on. I'm not that obsessed about it as last year, I guess that's because I know most of what there is to now about socionics, the important parts, not the dichotomies at least, so I can safely apply it without thinking about it day and night. My type is INFp. I have yet to decide if I'm Ni subtype or Fe subtype, though I suspect I'm the latter, I would prefer the former. I'm looking for ESTp's to make friends with. If you're ESTp please talk to me. Well of course if you are one you're likely to not know it since most people don't know about socionics. And most people who stumble onto this blog aren't ESTp, I suppose, not that they would know it. So what a call.

About God. Sigh. What about God. I am like so far from Him I am almost to the point of rejecting my previous desire to want to know Him. That's quite messed up I know. But I'm still hanging on a bit, not out of my own effort, but perhaps out of residual desire, or the fact that He still wants me to be His child. Which I sincerely hope so. I think I will talk to someone about this soon.

I have minor crushes now and then on people, but they aren't severe and threatening, and I would still prefer to be friends with them first, at least. So I guess that isn't particularly bad.

What I fear is that things are going so smoothly now, there's bound to be something big and bad coming on the way. I need God. But it's not easy to just have Him back at my whim and fancy. I believe it doesn't work that way. Sigh.

Now I feel internally messed up. Someone come save me. Please.