Hard

I've just reread what I wrote in my other blog, and added in a new word.

I also checked out this girl's blog - she's very much like me just that when it comes to intelligence, deepness, and language abilities, I can hardly hold a candle to her.

For a moment I had to grapple with the not-really-provable-at-the-moment fact that not all man are made equal.

Anyway it's hard, really hard. I know partly why, but not fully. So I can't really say it in its entirety. I feel that it is partly a combination of ... what? I don't really know. But I know it isn't one thing entirely.

There is an element of strife, of struggle. Also an element of constraint, of restraint. And maybe a mask that hides this over while trying not to draw attention to the fact that it is a mask.

Let me try this third person thing.

Reuben is feeling disheveled. He looks like that too. He has sour expressions on his face and when he smiles, sometimes turns his lips downwards instead of upwards, a possible sign of ethical repression due to perceived superiority. Reuben notes that he feels pissed more and more often. He feels that it is not a good sign, although there are times when this feeling of anger, when channeled into growth, usually results in something rewarding. However because of his rather obstinate nature, it is hard for him to change. The problem, he thinks, used to be lack of sleep. Now he knows the real problem. A lack of beneficial long-term motivation. Should there be a powerhouse that provides real motivation on a long-term basis, there is hope for Reuben. But since such technology has yet to be invented, he falters along on his way to certain implosion. He enjoys being seen as someone popular and funny, but also wants to be seen as a deep and mature person. He prefers the latter, though he often struggles with the former since the world is often spinning with external events. An option has suddenly popped up to him. He will care about how he views himself, and think not about possible thoughts that people have of him, all of which probably self constructed and not true. He will live in his own world, and extend that to his immediate surroundings should that be of benefit to others and himself. He will then, after deeply questioning the reasons for pain and sorrows that still overtake his inner life, carefully but orderly introduce God into his life. After this invitation, there shall be no more qualms about salvation other than its further working out. Reuben feels that this is the first step to improvement, provided that he carefully follows the plan in which he begins by ordering his private life while evaluating himself.

It's hard, but goodnight.